The Art Of Feedback

“Where are you really from?”

“Do you have to wear that?”

“Your English is very good!”

“You wouldn’t understand, sweetheart”

How do these sentences make you feel? Have you, at any point, been on the receiving end?Or, perhaps you have heard these being said to others? How can you offer constructive feedback to individuals whose actions may be excluding others or yourself?

In the 39th episode of Why Care? I had the pleasure of speaking to Amber Cabral, global inclusion leader, executive coach, TEDx and keynote speaker, and best-selling author. We touched on speaking up when witnessing or experiencing exclusionary behaviour, as well as nurturing a positive feedback culture within organisations. In this article, I will delve deeper into Amber’s constructive and helpful advice on confronting these scenarios and the reasons behind why it is effective. 

Being a proactive witness

Exclusion exists on a spectrum. Whether it is deliberate or unintentional, thinly veiled or barely perceptible, its impact can be detrimental both to the person on the receiving end and to people witnessing the interaction. The latter, in particular, can be hard to navigate. 

We often find the most common reaction to these scenarios is to panic, question our perception, or worry about the consequences of speaking up. These reactions are instinctive and expected. Yet, we still hold the power to disrupt paralysing thought patterns. Amber helpfully recommends that a great calling-out strategy is to give people the benefit of the doubt in order to negate the accusatory tone of a statement that we may not wish to carry, such as by saying - “Did you mean for that to come across this way?” or I would add “Could you clarify the point you intended to get across?”. This strategy is helpful because it sets a suitably high benchmark for creating an inclusive environment and communicates to the listener that they are capable of reaching it, therefore incentivising them to fulfil this expectation. This is more constructive than assuming negative intentions and, by doing so, moving the listener to a position of defence. 

Along the same vein, Amber recommends a direct approach that calls out opportunities for potential misalignments before they occur. When you are in a position of witnessing exclusion it may look something like “I am confident that Meryls’s contribution brings great value to the table, are we open to hearing it?”. This suggestion from Amber is powerful because it allows people the space to be accountable for their actions and confront their consequences, immediately priming the space to be one of frank, open, and respectful discussion.

What if an act of exclusion is directed at you? 

Amber recalls multiple occasions where she has been referred to as the “angry black woman”, or the more subtle remark “articulate”. Exclusion may also look like a well-intentioned question of “Where do you ski?” (which might exclude those from a lower socio-economic background who have never had this opportunity), or sexism in the form of patronising words of endearment, or perhaps even racial prejudice that looks like “You must be good at numbers” or “You must be great at sports”. Learn more about how the latter examples are still harmful here.

In circumstances such as these, open communication is critical. Yet, in order for fruitful discussions to take place, both parties have to be open to receiving feedback. Amber recommends leaving space for emotions through questions such as, “Would you like to table this right now?”. 

This is helpful because it demonstrates to the other person that a safe space is being created where they are able to express their thoughts without immediate confrontation. It also acknowledges the importance of emotions in the conversation, and fosters an environment where both parties can contribute to the conversation authentically and paves the way for understanding and positive change.

How can Avenir help?

In order to practise the above strategies, we must become comfortable with discomfort. It is this critical and typically overlooked tool that allows us to break through the glass ceiling into greater equity and inclusion. My upcoming book, Beyond Discomfort: Why Inclusive Leadership is so Hard (and what you can do about it) delves deeper into utilising discomfort as a tool for inclusion. The book is out in March 2024 and is available for pre-order here.

At Avenir, we also offer an Inclusive Leadership Programme, designed to guide leaders through the journey of achieving inclusive leadership.